4 posts tagged “problems”

well,, thanks to my friend Dave who brought this up,, but are we really happy?

i was reading in my last book, and i like how this man is writing,, inspirational stuff..

The Witch of Portobello

Paulo Coelho

yet, it was somehow so true... i'm gonna quote some words from one of the main characters in the novel talking about the happiness we claim to search for..

Edda: " Everything is at once so simple and so complicated!, simple because all it takes is change of attitude : i'm not gonna look for happiness anymore in my life. and complicated because everyone has taught me that happiness is the ultimate goal worth pursuing..
after all what is happiness?
they say LOVE, but love is never has brought happiness, it's a constant state of anxiety, it's sleepless nights. it's asking ourselves all the time if we're doing the right thing. Real Love is composed of Ecstasy and agony.

All right then peace? Earth is never at peace ( it happens in the novel to call earth as the mother for a reason but im referring to it's name ) the winter does battle with the summer, the tiger chases the man who's afraid of the dog, who chases the cat, who chases the mouse, who frightens the man.

Money brings Happiness.in that case, everyone who earns enough to have a high standard of living would be able to stop work. but then, they're more troubled than ever, as if they were afraid of losing everything.

i spent my life looking for happiness, now what i want is joy. Joy is like sex - it begins and it ends. i want pleasure.

i asked people the most important question: " are you happy? ", and they all reply: " yes i am! " then i ask: " But don't you want more? Don't you want to keep on growing?" and they all reply: "Of course" then I say: " Then you're not Happy!" ..

we're surrounded by Universal Desire. It's not Happiness, It's Desire. and desires are never satisfied. because once desires are there, the are ceased to be desires.

When i read those words, i couldn't believe what i was thinking that happiness is what i'm looking for.. i was looking for joy, but i was saying for happiness.. but i didn't know that.

Amazing Paulo Coelho.. i got so much respect for the man..

what do you think? Are we Really Happy? according to these words, we can't be happy.. because we keep asking for more, but are we enjoying our lives? this should be the question.. we can't stop asking for more "happiness" which happens to mean here our "JOY" ... living each moment of happiness is enjoying them.. this is it exactly.. i don't know what to say.. i'm again in one of those crossroads where i have to stop and think a lot about my life.. im just in a state of losing my concentration because of the busy mind i carry wherever i go. I'm less focused now because problems keep popping along the way. once before i was more concentrated, that was like 2 months ago but change is the only constant thing, isn't it..

well,, live been so boring the past 2 or 3 days that there is nothing worth writing about...
i dont know where to start..
i dont know where to end...

i've been readin for the past 2 days.. the novel,, and somehow it's good.. i still didn reach the middle,, but i can feel the rising in the pace... well,, the inspirational and spiritual stuff in it never ends,, and i guess this is what Paulo Coelho is all about.. spirit and inspiration.. diving into our inner souls...yea,, enough bullshit.. !

i dont know,, but this sense of feeling down is hittin on me slowly,, its crawling into me.. i dont know where did this come from,,, im in a state of confusion.. i lost some special people along the way,, in the past few months.. my life went messed up in some parts.. lost some self esteem.. lost some confidence.. and yea,, this thing made me go harder on myself.. i pushed myself alot in a way i cant stand.. or i barely do.. but its not doin me any good.. i dont know why im doing this,, but my pride kills me sometimes.. but yet,, for me,, as a person.. i dont regret what i do.. never... all what i do is a lesson i learn from when it's a mistake.. an achievement i'm proud of when im right.. and yea,, though im not so good in my life.. at least in my life in school ,, i do not fear failure.. yea i failed couple of times in real life tests,, but its not what i cal failures.. i call " a 2nd go " .. yea,, somehow,, i have got the bless of gettin over my problems.. though i suffer in this right now.. it's hard to get over the most important thing in ur life for the past 3 years,, but man.. i got over the toughest situation.. i got over being despised.. yea,, i was under that pressure,, when i was only 17.. my family despised me , somehow.. coz i left my good group of friends,, and went naughty..well,, not as naughty as many people around me.. but yea i gotta admit that.. this was the biggest mistake of my life.. and yea, i managed to get over it.. with some pain in my heart till today,, but i managed to hold myself,stand on my feet again.. fight this fuckin life alone.. i managed to get over my problems alone.. hold on when every one in my world was blamin me for what i did... like i live with no influence of people against me.. but well,, that was in the past..no need to whine about it now...

now lets get back to my life now... what to do to solve what im through now.. i've been tryin to hide this feeling for a long time.. for more than a month now.. but well,, i guess some feeling you cant hide no matter how hard you try.. and there are some certain people you cant escape from in your life.. you see them and feel them everywhere.. in every thing.. in every song,, in every place.. but well,, they're gone.. but i got what's important.. i never make life comes before my pride.. i lost my brother from another mother.. my best friend who i lived with my whole life since i was a kid,, in ever day of it.. and i lost my closest friend to my life ever.. my girlfriend.. after 2 and a half years.. yea it was my mistake.. and yea she didnt give me a chance to explain or try to fix it.. and yea i tried to call her and contact her and she didn want to hear from me,, and i dont blame her... but i got my pride... and i learn from my mistakes.. but asi just said to my friend.. "  life ends when i die... not when some1 goes... even if ur life depends on that some1 .. ur life still there... you take it away from them.. " ... well,, this shows how my mind roller coaster is going.. want them people back,, and dont regret that they left... this is confuses even the wisest men on this earth.. not me,, yea it does... but i do find my way out.. i do find it.. i will.. but  they say " time is the perfect healer ",, dont they? not for me i guess.. coz my life is actually,, now,, before and whats comin later... i do think alot about what i do and how i do it,, specially when it comes to what to do with your relationships and your close friends and people.. i managed to help lots of friends out of their troubles.. managed to solve my problems with so many people in my life.. but i dont know how to sleep on my pillow with a peaceful mind.. i really dont know how to fix my problems with my fuckin brain.. i just cant find a way to have a break from my life.. from my emotions,, and live with a peace of mind for like a week or so.. i really need some peace with myself.. alone,, figure things out in some calm place,, no one to interrupt .. no one to bother you with their problems...

I've always said that i wish i can restart my life.. start all over again,, but with this wisdom.. so i can choose perfectly.. i can have a perfect life,, but we cant i guess.. and this is life.. ups and downs.. mistakes and lessons.. yea,, mistakes and lessons.. mistakes and lessons... and this big trouble mind is no good.. not helpin me.. every1 thinks im livin like the happiest life,, coz the big smile never leaves my face.. but well,, what do you know about what's going inside to decide if im happy or not... yeahh ,, i hear people talkin " yea,, he's happy,, look how he smiles and laughs,, sure that he's okay .. got no problems,, doing good.. and everything is so good in his life " but well,, ti's so much different from the inside...

it's all because of this " i think of my life from the outside" .. my life is a movie to me.. i made it.. and im the star in it.. well,, when will this movie end,,? who knows...

i got no1 around me now... im all alone..
im left out without my love , , my friend... no1 around... just my best friend Thomas... who i just can read what he's sayin through the msn window.. so far away and all alone im alone... just like what the song says.. i cannot think of anything...

this state of confustion,,, thinkin about so many things all at once makes ur head like an old man's head.. think for 2 minutes then he dies coz he cannot.. it sucks when u cannot think coz ur head can't stand thinkin this much.. u need naother one to get ur life straight again...

life sucks after all... living a lie? i dont know what im living now.. its just that my life is not big enought for me.. it cannot stand me like this... im too different that i cant get along with this way of living... its so hard to live in peace with everything...

in the end,,, they say que sera sera ! or whatever happens, happens... fuck it... i wana restart this life.. start again from scratch... change everything aorund... EVERYTHING...EVERYTHINGG.. !! a fresh start is what i need...a fresh start yea... but it's just so hard to this now.. i dont know how coz i've never been in busy months like what i've been through now.. somehow,, it seems like that im living a life full of shit that i cant take it,, or that the way i live is just shit.. total shit..

so,, this is like the biggest story in one of my best friends' life... he told us last week that he's gettin married n shit.. we were all shocked coz he never said a thing about it.. yea he said that he wanted to get married but not this soon, well, he also told us that the lucky one is his cousin.. Why? coz he knew that she loves him n she wanted him.. and then he went to ask her hand from his grandma coz she's an orphan ... and well,, her grandma said yess and all .. he was seeing her the last week and he was so excited..

he's been asking me everyday about love stuff ( coz im like his relationships shrink )! hahah.. coz he knows about my gf and how long we've been together.. and yea i was givin him some help... and i was about to go with him to see pirates of the Caribbean today with him .. called him and he said 'no i can't come'.. and i was like what's wrong ,, he said it was nothing.. i felt like there is somethin wrong about his wedding thing .. about afternoon, he called me tellin me " i want to study,, you should help me do the homework - like i really can help myself 1st - i'm comin to you" .. and i said,, Ok ... when he came  i asked him what's wrong,, and he said " there is no wedding,, we broke  this thing up! " and i was like i know it...' what's wrong? ' he told me that she was plannin to use him as a bridge to force her GF that my friend didn know about to marry her.. she FUCKIN CHEATED ! and she was tellin my friend before that the she wants to live with him through it all .. !! FUCKER ! well,, when my friend knew about her ,, he was so angry ,, so was his whole family coz they didn expect this very good girl to do such thing... !! that was what she was showin her family,, that she's a good girl.. ! he was tellin me ,, " don't u ever be a good guy.. you have to be the dirtiest to live " and i was like sayin in my head  ' hahah ,, too late to tell me,, i am already the dirtiest !'... Yea,, so this was some excitement comin to my daily life again... im so sorry for my friend coz he was livin a dream, and he was askin me about relationships and how to manage your life with the one you want and all the other stuff..! and he was spreading the news that he's gettin married and everything... well,, i feel him.. and i feel sorry for him.. wanted to go out with him for dinner or so , just to take him out of his shitty mood but he said " i want to think about it" ! and i said ,, man you got the whole night,, just let's go for an hour so we can have some fun and he refused.. he wanted some thinking time.. !

 so,,, sad story... it ends here ,,, close the book ! " Life is the best Teacher " ... i guess,,

WELL IN THE MIDDLE OF WRITING THIS ,, SOMETHING HAPPENED !!! :

a friend of mine callin me,, 

WHere are you ?

me - i'm home  ... why ?

my car is dead .. there is a cracking in the gear and it doesn move.. you gotta come to take me,, lets find a wench.. to take the car home.. !

- ( in my head : wtf with this timeing,, it's almost midnight ) Ok where are you ? I'm comin now..  

and i went to take him,, looked for a crane to lift his car up to his home,, talked about how shitty this life is .. and how fake are friends these days.. and yea,, he was fucked up,, and i was bored .. some the combination mixed very well and the result was " 10 minutes full of shit! "....

came back home,, continued this post ... to let the world read it.. !